On Relationships: Expectations and Beliefs

Two crucial elements in the survival of a recently formed relationships: expectations and beliefs.

If we think that the person we just met is attractive, friendly and likes the same things we do and we imagine he/she also likes us, we will probably intend a future contact with that person. However, if we intuitively believe that the person has formed a negative impression of us, we will most likely give up meeting him/her again.

We are often unaware of these expectations and beliefs, which makes their influence more powerful than what we could imagine.

The problem with these expectations is the well known phenomenon called "Pygmalion Effect"*.

If we have formed a positive image of the other person in our mind, we will behave friendly on his/her presence and he/she will probably reciprocate.

The opposite is also true, and so very true so many times. If we anticipate that the other person's attitude regarding us will include lack of interest or rejection, we will most likely behave in a negative manner towards him/her.

Power of expectation experiment (Mark Snyder, Tanke and Berscheid - 1977)

Men were shown photographs of a woman to whom they would be talking by phone. The woman in the pictures was randomized to being either extremely physically attractive or unattractive (as rated by other independent observers)

What the men taking part in the experiment didn’t know, was that the photographs did not correspond in any way to the actual woman with whom they had the phone conversation.

While it would come as no surprise that the men behaved differently to the women during the phone conversation depending on their (manipulated) beliefs on her physical appearance. The really surprising finding was that females whose conversational partners believed them to be less appealing, actually behaved and sounded less attractively (e.g., they were rated as sounding less warm and interesting).

The women had also been kept completely unaware about the photograph manipulation. Therefore, this effect had to have been mediated in some way through the men's behavior. One possibility, is that the men who were talking to someone they believed to be unattractive, were themselves less affable than men who believed they were talking to an attractive woman. This in turn had an impact on the way the women responded.

Other misconceptions about relationships include: predestination (romantic fatalism), such as the belief in yuan (China) or the existence of your other half (USA).

Other common effects studied by the psychologists include the Michel Angelo's Effect (Drigotas, 1999)

So, have you ever experienced that your beliefs about someone has affected his behavior towards you?

And do you believe relationships are meant to be or not to be (either one person is for you or is not), or do you believe that relationships grow and evolve through hard work and the resolution of incompatibilities?

More about this and attachment theory on the next blog.

*In ancient Greek Mythology, Pygmalion (the King of Cyprus) hewed a beautiful feminine sculpture ‘out of ivory and desire’, named it Galatea and promptly fell in love with his creation. The power of his relentless desire, combined with assistance from the Goddess Venus, transformed the statue into a real living woman.