Bowlby's Attachment Theory (EN)

Before we dig deeply into Bowlby's Attachment Theory, have a look at these four quadrants and tell me with which one you feel most identified.

A	B
I'm at ease when I'm emotionally close to someone. I feel comfortable depending on others or when others depend on me. I'm OK if I'm alone. It does not bother me when other people do not accept me.	I feel comfortable without emotionally close relationships. It is very important for me to feel independent and self-sufficient and I'd rather not depend on other people, nor that other people depend on me.
C	D
When I'm involved in a emotionally close relationship, I start feeling uncomfortable. Although I may like getting emotionally close to other people, I find it difficult to trust them or depend on them completely. I'm concerned that I might get hurt if I allow myself to get too close to someone.	I would like to experience more intimacy with other people, but I feel that they are often reluctant to be as close to me as I would like. I feel something is missing when I'm not in a relationship. It sometimes concerns me that others do not appreciate me as much as I appreciate them.

Psychologists define attachment as an emotional bond to another person. The theory of attachment was originally developed by John Bowlby (1907 - 1990), a British psychoanalyst who was attempting to understand the intense distress experienced by infants who had been separated from their parents. Bowlby observed that some separated infants would go to extraordinary lengths (e.g., crying, clinging, frantically searching) to either prevent separation from their parents or to reestablish proximity to a missing parent, while others would remain calm and unaffected.

Research on adult attachment shows that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life. The same system that gives rise to the close emotional bond between parents and their children is responsible for the bond that develops between adults in emotionally intimate relationships.

The thoughts and feelings aroused by the way we were brought up by our parents crystallize in internal ways of thinking and behaving about two schemes:

• The way we think about ourselves (our self worth and self esteem).
• The expectations we have about others (whether they'll be available to us or sensible to our needs).

These internal ways of thinking will manifest themselves in very different type of relationships: father-son, friends, close friends, therapist-patient, teacher-student, lovers and intimate relationships.

There are four basic categories of romantic attachment. They're the result of combining the way we perceive ourselves and the view we have about others.

• Secure adults find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them. Secure adults don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to them.
• Avoidant adults are somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; they find it difficult to trust others completely, difficult to allow themselves to depend on others. They are nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, their love partners want them to be more intimate than they feel comfortable being.
• Preoccupied adults find that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. They often worry that their partner doesn't really love them or won't want to stay with them. They want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.

So, can you guess which of the categories correspond to the thoughts in quadrants A,B,C and D? Give it a try and post it in the comments.

Research shows that 79% of people in most cultures have a secure attachment style, while in Eastern Asia preoccupied is the prevalent style. Which one do you think you have?

Astrology and Destiny Theory (EN)

Along the same line of thought of the previous post, we've seen how individuals formulate implicit theories about the nature of relationships, which influence their motivations and behaviors.

Implicit theories are defined as personal ideas or beliefs about a particular phenomenon such as intelligence, friendship, love, personality, etc. For example, everybody has an implicit theory about what an intelligent person is. This everyday view of intelligence would be an implicit intelligence theory. That might be or not be close to what psychologists and other experts define as intelligence.

Regarding friendships (as well as romantic relationships) individuals may have a destiny theory. That means they believe individuals are either meant or not meant to be together. They are either intrinsically compatible or not.

This belief varies from culture to culture. A popular use of astrology is a good example of that. People who belief in astrology have implicit personality theories about zodiac signs and their compatibility. Have you ever been asked for your zodiac sign?

How Astrology and Divinations Work

Research shows that destiny theorists place an excessive emphasis on initial relationship and partner qualities when evaluating the viability of the relationship. People with a strong destiny belief would test potential partners fairly quickly, make their judgement, and move on if the judgement was negative.

The opposite belief would be the growth belief. For these individuals relationship satisfaction is completely unrelated to how well the partner fit the individual’s ideal standard. These people take a more committed, long-term approach to their dating relationships.

These theories also predict differences in how people would respond to negative events within the relationship. Those scoring high on the destiny belief should distance themselves or withdraw from the relationship when things go wrong (a relatively helpless response), whereas those scoring high on the growth belief should engage in more active, mastery-oriented coping that would enable them to solve the problem and learn form the experience.

The same principles apply to friendships. This is especially important during the adolescence period which marks the need for greater intimacy and closeness that can only be satisfied within friendships. Here, individuals holding a destiny theory believe that friendships will either work or not, and ultimately the fate of the friendship is out of each partners’ hands. These individuals attempt to evaluate the validity of the friendship; is this friendship worth their involvement? They see that some friendships are just not meant to be and it may be a waste of time to put effort into trying to maintain that friendship.

A recent study with a sample of 166 sixth grade children showed that endorsement of growth beliefs was associated directly with greater intimacy, conflict resolution and valuing of friendships, while destiny beliefs depended on children’s satisfaction in their friendship.

If you hold a destiny belief (and if you were raised in a western culture

and influenced by Disney movies, you probably do), when you meet someone you like, you will find yourself evaluating that person to see if he/she is compatible with you. Also if your partner matches your ideal for a romantic partner, you will have greater satisfaction in the relationship, but if he/she does not meet your ideal standards, oh well...

One might think a growth belief is a better option than a destiny belief, and wants to become a growth theorist. However this idea lives very deeply in one's mind and it is difficult to change. Your culture, your parents, your friends, the movies you have seen have instilled a particular point of view about the matter and now it is part of you.

So, to which theory are you appointed?

¿Crees que existe tu media naranja? (ES)

En la entrada anterior hice mención a la creencia del yuan en China. Esta creencia se refleja en la frase: "si dos personas tienen yuan entre sí, aunque estén a miles de kilómetros, se encontrarán, pero si no tienen yuan, aunque estén una frente a la otra, no se encontrarán". Esto es un ejemplo de lo que en psicología se llama fatalismo relacional: la creencia de que las relaciones interpersonales están predestinadas al éxito o al fracaso, y las personas implicadas tienen poco control sobre ellas, es decir, existe tu media naranja en alguna parte del mundo y debes encontrarla.

Esto no es exclusivo de China o del mundo oriental. Creencias similares se encuentran también en el mundo occidental, donde se habla del amor romántico, del flechazo o del amor a primera vista. Existen dos tipos de creencias básicas sobre las relaciones:

• Creencia en el destino romántico: según la cual las parejas son potencialmente compatibles o incompatibles y no se puede hacer nada para cambiarlo. (Por tanto hay que buscar a la pareja ideal). Los estudios indican que si estas personas estaban inicialmente satisfechas con la relación (si pensaban que habían encontrado a su media naranja), sus relaciones eran más intensas y podían ser duraderas, pero si al principio de la relación tenían dudas, la relación se rompía al primer inconveniente (lógico, ya que estas personas creen que los problemas de una relación reflejan la incompatibilidad con la pareja).

• Creencia en el crecimiento de la relación: se basa en la creencia de que la relación ideal no existe inicialmente, sino que se desarrolla a lo largo del tiempo resolviendo las incompatibilidades, es decir, existen multitud de posibles parejas ideales y el éxito de la relación depende del esfuerzo que ambas personas hagan. Las investigaciones (Knee, 1998) demuestran que este tipo de personas tiene relaciones de noviazgo más duraderas, y tienen más capacidades para afrontar los problemas que surjan en la relación.

Una persona puede tener una de las creencias, y no la otra, aunque también pueden coexistir ambas a la vez en el mismo individuo. Eso sí, suele predominar una sobre la otra.

La prevalencia de una u otra creencia varía mucho de una cultura a otra, y representa un claro ejemplo de cómo nuestras presunciones y pensamientos afectan a nuestras relaciones.

Así mismo, existen muchos otros mitos o creencias sobre las relaciones amorosas ampliamente extendidas en nuestra cultura occidental (aunque también pueden darse en otras culturas). Algunos de estos mitos son:

• Exclusividad: El amor romántico sólo puede sentirse por una única persona al mismo tiempo.
• Omnipotencia: El amor "lo puede todo".
• Perdurabilidad: El enamoramiento puede durar siempre.
• Media naranja: Todo el mundo tiene una pareja ideal o predestinada.
• Celos: Los celos son indicador de verdadero amor.
• Matrimonio o convivencia: El amor romántico-pasional debe conducir a la convivencia (o al matrimonio).
• Fidelidad: Todos los deseos pasionales, románticos o eróticos, deben satisfacerse exclusivamente con una única persona.

Nuestras relaciones románticas están muy afectadas por todas estas creencias, así como por las experiencias tempranas de apego sobre las que hablaré próximamente.

¿Cuál de las dos creencias sientes que hasta ahora ha marcado más tus relaciones sentimentales: crees en la existencia de tu media naranja? ¿Qué opinión te merecen los mitos sobre el amor, los consideras falsos, imposibles, problemáticos, absurdos...?

On Relationships: Expectations and Beliefs

Two crucial elements in the survival of a recently formed relationships: expectations and beliefs.

If we think that the person we just met is attractive, friendly and likes the same things we do and we imagine he/she also likes us, we will probably intend a future contact with that person. However, if we intuitively believe that the person has formed a negative impression of us, we will most likely give up meeting him/her again.

We are often unaware of these expectations and beliefs, which makes their influence more powerful than what we could imagine.

The problem with these expectations is the well known phenomenon called "Pygmalion Effect"*.

If we have formed a positive image of the other person in our mind, we will behave friendly on his/her presence and he/she will probably reciprocate.

The opposite is also true, and so very true so many times. If we anticipate that the other person's attitude regarding us will include lack of interest or rejection, we will most likely behave in a negative manner towards him/her.

Power of expectation experiment (Mark Snyder, Tanke and Berscheid - 1977)

Men were shown photographs of a woman to whom they would be talking by phone. The woman in the pictures was randomized to being either extremely physically attractive or unattractive (as rated by other independent observers)

What the men taking part in the experiment didn’t know, was that the photographs did not correspond in any way to the actual woman with whom they had the phone conversation.

While it would come as no surprise that the men behaved differently to the women during the phone conversation depending on their (manipulated) beliefs on her physical appearance. The really surprising finding was that females whose conversational partners believed them to be less appealing, actually behaved and sounded less attractively (e.g., they were rated as sounding less warm and interesting).

The women had also been kept completely unaware about the photograph manipulation. Therefore, this effect had to have been mediated in some way through the men's behavior. One possibility, is that the men who were talking to someone they believed to be unattractive, were themselves less affable than men who believed they were talking to an attractive woman. This in turn had an impact on the way the women responded.

Other misconceptions about relationships include: predestination (romantic fatalism), such as the belief in yuan (China) or the existence of your other half (USA).

Other common effects studied by the psychologists include the Michel Angelo's Effect (Drigotas, 1999)

So, have you ever experienced that your beliefs about someone has affected his behavior towards you?

And do you believe relationships are meant to be or not to be (either one person is for you or is not), or do you believe that relationships grow and evolve through hard work and the resolution of incompatibilities?

More about this and attachment theory on the next blog.

*In ancient Greek Mythology, Pygmalion (the King of Cyprus) hewed a beautiful feminine sculpture ‘out of ivory and desire’, named it Galatea and promptly fell in love with his creation. The power of his relentless desire, combined with assistance from the Goddess Venus, transformed the statue into a real living woman.

Teoría Triangular de Sternberg

Existen tres dimensiones en el amor:

• Intimidad: revelación mutua de información personal, comprensión mutua, empatía, cada uno siente que el otro le comprende, sentimientos de afecto hacia el otro y motivación para beneficiarle.
• Pasión: atraccion física, deseo sexual, excitación, deseo de estar unido a la otra persona.
• Compromiso: decisión de mantener y permanecer en la relación.

El amor completo o perfecto es el que incluiría las tres, pero es muy difícil de conseguir y la mayoría de las relaciones sólo tiene dos de las dimensiones.

Responde con sinceridad, si sólo pudieses elegir dos de las dimensiones ¿cuáles elegirías? Y en tus relaciones pasadas, ¿qué dos dimensiones son las que normalmente has tenido?